I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Too much gin, very little bucket
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
