i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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