can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
