a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
