somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
