i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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