By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Holy sore nipples Batman
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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