I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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