homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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