Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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