Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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