This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My life is pants optional.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
