I faked an abortion last night.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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