life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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