you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
