remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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