I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
