I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
