Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
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It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
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He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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