i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
