just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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