No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
