my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
His nipple licking is glorious
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