I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize