Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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