I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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