we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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