it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
