College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
