look no pants
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
