if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We got so high we made milksteak
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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