Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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