When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
