I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
