Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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