Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
