If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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