How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
