Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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