Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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