i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
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He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
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I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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