hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
