Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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