worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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