I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
