There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
