last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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