i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
