so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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