I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
