Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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