We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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