It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
