is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
