i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I want to fling myself into the sun
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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