Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
