I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
