My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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