this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think a kid would responsible me up
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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